Ep 29 - Exodus, The Finale!: Why Did We Need 10 Commandments?

February 21, 2018

5x7CarMagnets.png

Gird your loins and slap your thighs because this is the exciting conclusion to the Exodus story! A momentous episode like this needs a little extra so enjoy this extended session. We had to accommodate Veronica's version of the ten commandments somehow! SPOILER ALERT: They're super lenient. Expect no less from V. Except she wants to crucify Moses. So there's that. You know an easy way fool people into thinking you're you're divinely chosen? Spend a lot of time talking to a cloud and tell folks it's God! Worked for Moses.Then again, that just sounds like a dementia symptom...oh well! Join us for this exciting finale! There's plenty of quail to go around.

00:0000:00

Ep 28 - Why did the Israelites Throw a Golden Calf Rave?

February 14, 2018

week4-large-e1427819146507.jpg

 We're baaaaaack!!! We know we've been back several times before but we mean it this time. We swear! This episode we continue with the harrowing adventure of 'Moses in the Desert: This Time it's Personal' Moses disappears, and everyone goes apeshit while Aaron uses it as an opportunity to realize his calf fantasies. Also, the Tipsy crew is left in horror when Alex reveals his sordid middle school world of trading cards. Enjoy!

00:0000:00

Episode 27 - Was the Jesus birth really an immaculate conception?

December 26, 2017

 Happy Holidays from The Tipsy Crew!  The Christmas season is here and you know what that means… we’re finally covering the story of Jesus’s birth!  Let’s be real, Mary was trying to pull the wool over people’s eyes; don’t give me this Immaculate Conception nonsense!  If only Maury were around during this time.  We chat a bit about the “War on Christmas” and how there have just been too many casualties already.  SUPPORT OUR YULETIDE TROOPS.  Also: everyone be sure to note that Alex forgot to turn on his mic for the beginning of this episode so make sure to clown him on social media.  Veronica was underwhelmed by the Christmas story but you hopefully you won’t be underwhelmed by our drunken antics.   

00:0000:00

Ep 26 - Why did Moses Take the Longest Route to the Promised Land?

December 21, 2017

Here's our latest entry in the Moses Saga: 2Moses2Desert.  The Israelites have finally made it out of Egypt only to find themselves wandering an uninhabitable desert!  Yay!  Luckily, God provides the breakfast, lunch, and dinner of champions: quail and "heaven flakes" (Copyright belongs to God).  Listen as Veronica is SUPER pissed about slaves having slaves (slaveception) and then Alex, prompted by a discussion of the Netflix movie "Little Evil", tells a bizarre story about what we assume are audio-witches cursing CDs and distributing them for nefarious purposes.  This is all real!  We swear!      

 

00:0000:00

Ep 25 - Why were there 10 Plagues on Egypt??

December 13, 2017

Have you been waiting with bated breath for more stories about Moses and his weird, magical adventures!?  Well, you’re in luck!  This is part two where the Tipsy Crew talks about the plagues of Egypt.  God was kind of a dick, huh?  But, according to Veronica, he wasn’t even a very effective dick cause his plagues apparently sucked.  Gasp in awe (and disgust) as Veronica details the horrible, horrible plagues she’d inflict if she were God.  Let’s be glad that she doesn’t have divine powers…

00:0000:00

Ep 24 - Why was Moses raised by the Egyptians?

December 5, 2017

Awwww yeeeaaaaah! After a long hiatus, the Tipsy Crew is finally getting around to covering Moses, one of the most major players in The Bible and a certified adopted river baby!  You may think you know him but did you know he was an expert at uncircumcised fellatio?  Probably not, idiot!  We cover the very beginning of his journey all the way up to that time God decided that temporary leprosy and snake-sticks were a good way to convince Moses to challenge the Pharaoh.  This one’s gonna be a multi-parter so stay tuned for the whole story. We also discuss some things our fans have sent in!  

00:0000:00

Ep 23 - Did Jesus always put Parable Mustard on his Sandwiches?

October 16, 2017

 Get ready for another heaping helping of parables from our old buddy Jesus!  Jesus sure does talk a lot about mustard seeds, huh?  Not as much as Veronica likes to regale the Tipsy Crew with songs she barely remembers.  You know, like the popular hit song “Buck The Knuck”?  Also: we realize that Jesus was just saying pretty much the same thing in different ways cause he was kinda out of ideas.  At any rate, this is the episode for you if you wanna hear about yeast-plumped vaginas.  Don’t ask.  Just listen. 

00:0000:00

Ep 22 - Why Did Jesus Speak in Parables?

September 29, 2017

344333757.jpg

Oh yeah, Tipsy Disciples!  In this episode, we’re bringing back our boy Jesus or, as the Tipsy crew decides to call him, Daddy Jesus.  And don’t worry, the episode only gets sexier from there!  We cover a few of Jesus’s very didactic but also sometimes pretty good parables but not before Jonte is forced to watch a trailer to a weird and seemingly blasphemous video game that pits the world’s deities against each other in what looks to be a series of death matches!  Also: this is the official divorce episode for Alex and V since Alex confesses that he exclusively gets chicken tenders from Burger King.  I know, I know.  We’re all very disappointed.

00:0000:00

Ep. 21 - Did Joseph Write His Chapter Himself??

August 29, 2017

In this week's episode, we continue with the exploits of Joseph, the guy who used to own a Dreamcoat. Veronica grows increasingly skeptical of the validity of this story while also growing more pretentious about her wine selections. Alex and Jonte sing quite a bit in this one folks....

00:0000:00

Ep 20 - Joseph and his Obnoxious Gaudy Dreamcoat

August 16, 2017

joseph3.jpg

Have you ever wanted to hear a Bible story about an insufferable snitch wearing a very cool jacket?  Well, have we got the story for you!  This is part one of Joseph and his coat of many colors/long sleeves/stripes/Member's Only jacket.  We learn that being the favorite son of your father is tough since your brothers will undoubtedly want to kill you!  Also: more dreams!  This time of the narcissistic variety!  We also learn that Alex is an unrepentant Lothario while a particularly wealthy and sinister spider menaces Veronica from afar!  Hooray!

00:0000:00

Ep 19 - King David, The Peeping Tom

July 31, 2017

31118_000_031_06.jpg

This week's episode features everybody's favorite rock-throwing hero, David! After slaying the Goliath, ripping off foreskins, and marrying into royalty, Kind David decides his next great feat will be spying on women bathing from the roof of the palace! Since being a hero wasn't enough for him, he decides to add rapist and bungling idiot to his resume. Listen as we discuss how horrifying God's punishments are and the logic behind people picking and choosing stories to believe from the bible. Veronica also decides to write her own version of the bible and this is also Alex's birthday episode!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALEX!  

 

Music - Nangdo

00:0000:00

Ep 18 - Book of Esther should be called Nasty Vashti, Haman’s vengeance, and the fashion makeover

July 17, 2017

In this episode, the guys try to convince Veronica that the Book of Esther is a feminist story but all Veronica wants to discuss is Alex's spank bank. 

Music - Ryan Little 

00:0000:00

Ep 17- Jacob, Rachel, and Melty-Eyes Leah

July 5, 2017

Remember Jacob?  Well, we've got more of his trickery and exploits on this episode!  Listen as Jacob suddenly finds himself in a The Bachelor style situation with two women (who are also his cousins, ewww) competing for his affection.  But that's not all!  Jacob winds up with a whole flock of speckled sheep because he's a no-account grifter and loves taking advantage of folks!  Our hero!  Don't worry, he definitely gets his comeuppance by getting wrecked in a wrestling match with an angel, or was it, God?  Who knows!?  

00:0000:00

Ep 16 - Brothers at war: One is a human bear and the other has a goat fetish!

June 19, 2017

Tissot-Main.jpg

This episode is a rare treat folks! Veronica is SOBER. Is she still as ridiculous as she is when she is drunk? How is she surviving without wine?! The Tipsy crew dives head first into the Jacob and Esau story in this episode. Why is a man wearing a goat onesie? How did blessings become a scarce commodity? Listen and find out!

00:0000:00

Ep 15 - The Misadventures of Jesus: Zombies and Figs

June 9, 2017

Lazarus.jpg

You're in for a treat this episode! We discuss Jesus tormenting his followers with a zombie! Veronica shows her true geek side by ranting about Batman and then falls into a wine coma. Also, Jesus steals a tiny pony!

00:0000:00

Ep 14 - Who was the strongest thong loving man of the Bible?

May 28, 2017

Okay, so in this episode we talk about Sampson the strong man!  We also decide that Sampson is definitely the Sylvester Stallone of the Bible.  Sampson's naming schemes for important places seem to follow a very distinct, and simple pattern because he was obviously a dunce.  You can hear this foolishness in action when he lifts the gates of A WHOLE CITY and just takes them away cause he was locked out.  Delila, Sampson's love interest, ties him up with wet, sexy thongs and Veronica drinks copious amounts of wine right out of the bag!  Have you ever heard of a man murdering just a TON of people with a piece of a donkey skeleton?  Listen to this episode and you will!

00:0000:00

Ep 13 - The imaginary Adventures of Daniel, the Dream Wizard

May 21, 2017

In this episode, we continue following the exploits of our boy Daniel.  This time, Daniel spends some quality time with some lions after he gets snitched on by a bunch of jealous haters!  We also realize that, maybe, these stories might be a narcissistic embellishment from Daniel himself!  Her certainly deems himself important enough to take up a majority of the book of the Bible with his own personal dream journal.  Whatever, Daniel!  Nobody cares!  The Tipsy Crew discusses what our own books of the Bible would be about and that's when we're introduced to Drinkula: The Winepire.  Thanks again, V. 

00:0000:00

Ep 12 - Daniel, a human furnace, dream wizards, and shadow people

May 15, 2017

On this episode, Veronica is introduced to the character of Daniel and his dope-ass friends.  If you ask us, Babylonians are pretty great at naming folks cause Daniel and company end up with some pretty cool monikers!  Veronica: Professional Dream Interpreter tries her hand at deciphering the Biblical dreams of King Nebuchadnezzar and then gets us to discuss our own weird dreams.  What are these weird shadow people Veronica encountered in her youth, why is Jonte dreaming of giant bags of oranges, and what's with Alex's sleep paralysis?  Give this episode a listen and maybe none of your questions will be answered. 

00:0000:00

Bonus Ep 04 - Wes Craven’s Dracula 2000

May 10, 2017

dracula2010.jpg

Join the Tipsy Testament crew as we take a journey back in time and watch Wes Craven's Dracula 2000! This is a period piece if we've ever seen one cause this movie's got ethnically diverse Matrix knock-offs, some janky wire-work, everyone's favorite 90's artist Vitamin C, and nu-metal galore! And don't worry, if you're feeling nostalgic for Virgin Megastores then this is the film for you. Listen to Jonté lament ever having to sit and watch this travesty and Veronica reveal her secret love for square faced white men! And you'll never guess the tenuous biblical thread this movie has that prompted us to cover it. We're all fundamentally different now.

00:0000:00

Ep 11 - Golly Gee! It’s Bloodthirsty David and Fushigi Master Goliath!

May 7, 2017

David-and-Goliath-painting-e1389722359542-300x283.jpg

What do you get when you take a small boy with a leather strap and have him fight a souped-up gladiator who's tall enough to play as a center in the NBA?  Well, you get this story (and probably a healthy dose of childhood trauma)!  Join us as we attempt to educate Veronica about David - a small, bloodthirsty boy who thought he was hot shit and his famous dust-up with contact juggling extraordinaire Goliath.  Once again, Veronica can't get enough of talking about harems of women but that's no surprise to anyone.  This episode ends much like an after-school special because we talk about our won Goliath's in life.  AWWWWW!  THE MORE YOU KNOW!

 

00:0000:00