Welcome back to the Tipsy Testament, folks! This time around, we're talking about the harrowing story of Rehab and how she helped the Israelites get to the Promised Land. You know who didn't get to go? MOSES! It's probably for the best cause we know that dude is nasty. And if YOU'RE nasty, you'll know that Rahab invented the red-light district and you should probably be ashamed of yourself. Also: It may seem like Jonte falls alseep at the end of this but he totally doesn't. Don't ever listen to what Veronica or Alex say!
Think of the wisest and smartest person you know. Now multiply that by 100 fold. Still with me? Now imagine that person told you to chop a baby in half and share it with a friend. Congratulations! You just imagined King Solomon; the topic of our episode today! And I know exactly what you're thinking and the answer is a resounding "yes"! We DO discuss getting the butt-end of the baby. You know the Tipsy crew is always here for ya. King Solomon is the ultimate in decadence. He's got a whole room just for baboons, just like every young man's dream. Jealous yet? Well, you'll be more jealous when you hear about his 700 wives. All of them probably hella thicc. Also: listen closely as V falls asleep towards the end of the episode. Riveting!
Hahahahaha! Oh! I didn't see you there. I was just laughing at the latest installment of the Tipsy Testament where we discuss more adventures of the Israelites wandering in the desert!!!! We're in the book of Numbers this time which, contrary to what Veronica believes, is NOT a biblical phone book. But hey, she can try calling some of the numbers anyway. Listen in horror as we recount the time Moses committed the most heinous sex-crime ever recorded - wearing his own son's foreskin! Don't worry, though. It gets worse. Moses's poor sister gets struck with leprosy and has to live with her serpent brethren on the outskirts of camp. How sad. Not as sad as Alex and V's marriage counseling session, though. But surprise! You guys get another story! It's the Bible's version of Shrek complete with talking donkey and nonsensical plot! Hooray! XOXO Gossip Girl
Uh oh, everyone! Looks like we've come to the end of our Revelation series where we finally talk about The Whore of Babylon, Veronica's favorite Bible character. It combines V's favorite things, possible harem action and...definite harem action. Also: Willie joins us once again as we plead with Jesus to refrain from taking the wheel any longer cause he definitely can't drive and talk about Christians who like to gingerly pick out the Bible verses they want like a picky child sifts out the vegetables from their dinner. That's not all! Point and laugh at Jonté along with the rest of the Tipsy crew as he relays his fears about being raptured as a kid; what an idiot coward! Listen to this exciting conclusion and NONE of your questions will be answered!
Revelations part 3 is here folks, and this one has real monsters! Yup, that's right! WE'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS HOT MESS OF A CHAPTER! The guys teach Veronica the indisputable fact that the mark of the beast = not eating Chic-Fil-A. The tipsy crew also have a revelation of their own when we realize that Alex is the ACTUAL anti-christ. The guys have a serious chat about the lack of guidance they received while in church and how they dealt with not having a place to turn to address doubts they had about their faith.
We’re back again with more of Revelations! But not before Veronica regales us with her findings from her 23 and Me testing. What sort of genetic mysteries will she uncover!? And will it explain why she suddenly disappears for the latter half of the episode!? The narrator of this book, John, is most definitely tripping balls and convincing himself he’s seeing some divine visions but these visions are hella boring. Just a bunch of lampstands, old people, and chairs. John needs some better drugs.
Alright, Tipsy Disciples. It’s time we delve into the trippy, symbolism-laden world of Revelations, the last book of The Bible. And we’ve got our friend Willie as a special guest that we’ve dragged into our drunken nonsense. Veronica expands her wine tastes into the sparkling variety while Jonte busts out his best Dave Matthews (the greatest artist of our generation) impression. Buckle up though, folks! This episode goes a bit long and gets a bit serious as we discuss more about the trials and tribulations of growing up in a religious environment and how Alex and Jonte ended up abandoning their faith. This episode’s got it all!!!!
Awwwwwwww heck (pardon our language)! Are you guys ready for another "feminist" story from the bible? Moreover, by "feminist" we mean a woman is in it, and that is the best this terrible book has to offer! Well, here's the story of Ruth, a lady just trying to get a husband. So, you know, super progressive. Ruth touches a weird guy's feet which we learn later is supposed to be his dick! Gross. But, also, why?? Don't worry though we look up some SEXY renaissance paintings of Ruth to help wash down the shame. NSFW, indeed. Speaking of shame, we find out the horrible secret surrounding our old friend King David's lineage. So if you're into intrigue, sexy paintings, and foot/penis gropings, this might be the episode for you. If you're not into any of those things, you're probably normal and please don't report us to the police.
Gird your loins and slap your thighs because this is the exciting conclusion to the Exodus story! A momentous episode like this needs a little extra so enjoy this extended session. We had to accommodate Veronica's version of the ten commandments somehow! SPOILER ALERT: They're super lenient. Expect no less from V. Except she wants to crucify Moses. So there's that. You know an easy way fool people into thinking you're you're divinely chosen? Spend a lot of time talking to a cloud and tell folks it's God! Worked for Moses.Then again, that just sounds like a dementia symptom...oh well! Join us for this exciting finale! There's plenty of quail to go around.
We're baaaaaack!!! We know we've been back several times before but we mean it this time. We swear! This episode we continue with the harrowing adventure of 'Moses in the Desert: This Time it's Personal' Moses disappears, and everyone goes apeshit while Aaron uses it as an opportunity to realize his calf fantasies. Also, the Tipsy crew is left in horror when Alex reveals his sordid middle school world of trading cards. Enjoy!
Happy Holidays from The Tipsy Crew! The Christmas season is here and you know what that means… we’re finally covering the story of Jesus’s birth! Let’s be real, Mary was trying to pull the wool over people’s eyes; don’t give me this Immaculate Conception nonsense! If only Maury were around during this time. We chat a bit about the “War on Christmas” and how there have just been too many casualties already. SUPPORT OUR YULETIDE TROOPS. Also: everyone be sure to note that Alex forgot to turn on his mic for the beginning of this episode so make sure to clown him on social media. Veronica was underwhelmed by the Christmas story but you hopefully you won’t be underwhelmed by our drunken antics.
Here's our latest entry in the Moses Saga: 2Moses2Desert. The Israelites have finally made it out of Egypt only to find themselves wandering an uninhabitable desert! Yay! Luckily, God provides the breakfast, lunch, and dinner of champions: quail and "heaven flakes" (Copyright belongs to God). Listen as Veronica is SUPER pissed about slaves having slaves (slaveception) and then Alex, prompted by a discussion of the Netflix movie "Little Evil", tells a bizarre story about what we assume are audio-witches cursing CDs and distributing them for nefarious purposes. This is all real! We swear!
Have you been waiting with bated breath for more stories about Moses and his weird, magical adventures!? Well, you’re in luck! This is part two where the Tipsy Crew talks about the plagues of Egypt. God was kind of a dick, huh? But, according to Veronica, he wasn’t even a very effective dick cause his plagues apparently sucked. Gasp in awe (and disgust) as Veronica details the horrible, horrible plagues she’d inflict if she were God. Let’s be glad that she doesn’t have divine powers…
Awwww yeeeaaaaah! After a long hiatus, the Tipsy Crew is finally getting around to covering Moses, one of the most major players in The Bible and a certified adopted river baby! You may think you know him but did you know he was an expert at uncircumcised fellatio? Probably not, idiot! We cover the very beginning of his journey all the way up to that time God decided that temporary leprosy and snake-sticks were a good way to convince Moses to challenge the Pharaoh. This one’s gonna be a multi-parter so stay tuned for the whole story. We also discuss some things our fans have sent in!
Get ready for another heaping helping of parables from our old buddy Jesus! Jesus sure does talk a lot about mustard seeds, huh? Not as much as Veronica likes to regale the Tipsy Crew with songs she barely remembers. You know, like the popular hit song “Buck The Knuck”? Also: we realize that Jesus was just saying pretty much the same thing in different ways cause he was kinda out of ideas. At any rate, this is the episode for you if you wanna hear about yeast-plumped vaginas. Don’t ask. Just listen.
Oh yeah, Tipsy Disciples! In this episode, we’re bringing back our boy Jesus or, as the Tipsy crew decides to call him, Daddy Jesus. And don’t worry, the episode only gets sexier from there! We cover a few of Jesus’s very didactic but also sometimes pretty good parables but not before Jonte is forced to watch a trailer to a weird and seemingly blasphemous video game that pits the world’s deities against each other in what looks to be a series of death matches! Also: this is the official divorce episode for Alex and V since Alex confesses that he exclusively gets chicken tenders from Burger King. I know, I know. We’re all very disappointed.
In this week's episode, we continue with the exploits of Joseph, the guy who used to own a Dreamcoat. Veronica grows increasingly skeptical of the validity of this story while also growing more pretentious about her wine selections. Alex and Jonte sing quite a bit in this one folks....
Have you ever wanted to hear a Bible story about an insufferable snitch wearing a very cool jacket? Well, have we got the story for you! This is part one of Joseph and his coat of many colors/long sleeves/stripes/Member's Only jacket. We learn that being the favorite son of your father is tough since your brothers will undoubtedly want to kill you! Also: more dreams! This time of the narcissistic variety! We also learn that Alex is an unrepentant Lothario while a particularly wealthy and sinister spider menaces Veronica from afar! Hooray!
This week's episode features everybody's favorite rock-throwing hero, David! After slaying the Goliath, ripping off foreskins, and marrying into royalty, Kind David decides his next great feat will be spying on women bathing from the roof of the palace! Since being a hero wasn't enough for him, he decides to add rapist and bungling idiot to his resume. Listen as we discuss how horrifying God's punishments are and the logic behind people picking and choosing stories to believe from the bible. Veronica also decides to write her own version of the bible and this is also Alex's birthday episode!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALEX!
Music - Nangdo
In this episode, the guys try to convince Veronica that the Book of Esther is a feminist story but all Veronica wants to discuss is Alex's spank bank.
Music - Ryan Little