Ep 15 - The Misadventures of Jesus: Zombies and Figs

June 9, 2017

Lazarus.jpg

You're in for a treat this episode! We discuss Jesus tormenting his followers with a zombie! Veronica shows her true geek side by ranting about Batman and then falls into a wine coma. Also, Jesus steals a tiny pony!

00:0000:00

Ep 14 - Who was the strongest thong loving man of the Bible?

May 28, 2017

Okay, so in this episode we talk about Sampson the strong man!  We also decide that Sampson is definitely the Sylvester Stallone of the Bible.  Sampson's naming schemes for important places seem to follow a very distinct, and simple pattern because he was obviously a dunce.  You can hear this foolishness in action when he lifts the gates of A WHOLE CITY and just takes them away cause he was locked out.  Delila, Sampson's love interest, ties him up with wet, sexy thongs and Veronica drinks copious amounts of wine right out of the bag!  Have you ever heard of a man murdering just a TON of people with a piece of a donkey skeleton?  Listen to this episode and you will!

00:0000:00

Ep 13 - The imaginary Adventures of Daniel, the Dream Wizard

May 21, 2017

In this episode, we continue following the exploits of our boy Daniel.  This time, Daniel spends some quality time with some lions after he gets snitched on by a bunch of jealous haters!  We also realize that, maybe, these stories might be a narcissistic embellishment from Daniel himself!  Her certainly deems himself important enough to take up a majority of the book of the Bible with his own personal dream journal.  Whatever, Daniel!  Nobody cares!  The Tipsy Crew discusses what our own books of the Bible would be about and that's when we're introduced to Drinkula: The Winepire.  Thanks again, V. 

00:0000:00

Ep 12 - Daniel, a human furnace, dream wizards, and shadow people

May 15, 2017

On this episode, Veronica is introduced to the character of Daniel and his dope-ass friends.  If you ask us, Babylonians are pretty great at naming folks cause Daniel and company end up with some pretty cool monikers!  Veronica: Professional Dream Interpreter tries her hand at deciphering the Biblical dreams of King Nebuchadnezzar and then gets us to discuss our own weird dreams.  What are these weird shadow people Veronica encountered in her youth, why is Jonte dreaming of giant bags of oranges, and what's with Alex's sleep paralysis?  Give this episode a listen and maybe none of your questions will be answered. 

00:0000:00

Bonus Ep 04 - Wes Craven’s Dracula 2000

May 10, 2017

dracula2010.jpg

Join the Tipsy Testament crew as we take a journey back in time and watch Wes Craven's Dracula 2000! This is a period piece if we've ever seen one cause this movie's got ethnically diverse Matrix knock-offs, some janky wire-work, everyone's favorite 90's artist Vitamin C, and nu-metal galore! And don't worry, if you're feeling nostalgic for Virgin Megastores then this is the film for you. Listen to Jonté lament ever having to sit and watch this travesty and Veronica reveal her secret love for square faced white men! And you'll never guess the tenuous biblical thread this movie has that prompted us to cover it. We're all fundamentally different now.

00:0000:00

Ep 11 - Golly Gee! It’s Bloodthirsty David and Fushigi Master Goliath!

May 7, 2017

David-and-Goliath-painting-e1389722359542-300x283.jpg

What do you get when you take a small boy with a leather strap and have him fight a souped-up gladiator who's tall enough to play as a center in the NBA?  Well, you get this story (and probably a healthy dose of childhood trauma)!  Join us as we attempt to educate Veronica about David - a small, bloodthirsty boy who thought he was hot shit and his famous dust-up with contact juggling extraordinaire Goliath.  Once again, Veronica can't get enough of talking about harems of women but that's no surprise to anyone.  This episode ends much like an after-school special because we talk about our won Goliath's in life.  AWWWWW!  THE MORE YOU KNOW!

 

00:0000:00

Ep 10 - The Misadventures of Jesus in the Desert

May 1, 2017

214.jpg

Join the Tipsy crew as we continue our New Testament exploration with a few highlights from the adventures of Jesus! Listen in awe as Jesus performs some high-end parlor tricks such as: getting a wedding party hella lit on wine, grifting a giant crowd of strangers by feeding them what most likely was mystery food, and killing a herd of pigs with demon possession! We all got super trashed for this one so we barely remember it! Maybe you can listen and remind us of what went down?

00:0000:00

Ep 09 - Angsty Teenage Jonah and the (formally known as Whale) Fish

April 23, 2017

JonahAndTheWhale-58c2315b3df78c353c22601a.jpg

In this episode, we cover that classic children's bible story, Jonah and the Whale! We learn that Jonah might just be an angsty teen who is just trying to get to his Taking Back Sunday concert but God has other plans. We talk about how burlap sacks are the only way to gain favor with God so we plan out our sexy burlap sack designs. Also, Jonte and Alex discover that Veronica is a maritime disaster who REALLY loves Linkin Park. Side note: we apologize for the some of the weird sound levels. Veronica laughs obnoxiously loud in this episode. Damn Veronica.  

Jonah and the whale was suggested by The Dan and Kody podcast

Promo: FatBoyz2Men

00:0000:00

Bonus Ep 03 - The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) discussion

April 19, 2017

last-temptation.jpg

As a follow-up to episode 08, we decided to attempt to tackle Martin Scorsese's snooze-fest from 1988, The Last Temptation of Christ. Willem Dafoe stars as a whiny, introspective carpenter, Jesus, who specializes in building modular crosses. We're pretty sure he was the founding father of biblical Ikea.

In this bonus, we are faced with the realization that this particular film is un-goofable.  We watched 30 minutes of this contemplative, slowly-paced classic and then fell promptly to sleep with visions of sweet, sweet Willem Dafoe’s grim visage dancing about in our dreams.  It wasn’t all a loss, though!  There was a pretty dope kazoo-based song at one point in the movie.  Also: we learned that this particular version of Jesus is totally okay with waiting all day in a line to see a prostitute only to condescendingly proselytize to her! We also discover the joys of Green Goblin porn!

00:0000:00

Ep 08 - Was Jesus tempted by a harem of women??

April 16, 2017

christ-in-the-desert-18721-e1276316336416.jpg

Episode 08 has arrived! Listen up as we introduce Veronica to our boy, Jesus! We discuss the three temptations of Christ and decide whether or not Satans temptations were ACTUALLY good temptations. Veronica attempts to land a record deal during this episode and Alex enlightens us of his love of chicken pot pie and Rhianna. Jonte discusses his first sexual encounter as we dig deeper into what tempted us as adolescents and young adults! Warning: if you love Quentin Tarantino, Veronica expresses her intense hate towards his bulbous ugly head. 

 

Subscribe if you love us!

00:0000:00

Bonus Ep 02 - Stephen King’s Children of the Corn (1984)

April 12, 2017

Children-of-the-Corn.jpg

For this bonus episode, we decided to watch Stephen King's semi-religiousy, 100% nonsensical Children of the Corn from 1984. In this film, kids decide parents just don't understand, Corn joins the MMA and give a guy the beat-down of his life, and Sarah Connor gives us the worst lap dance of the century. Also, Corn cop steals the show with his tour-de-force performance as Corn cop!

00:0000:00

Ep 07 - Why is a 37 year old man getting tricked by his father and God??

April 9, 2017

the_sacrifice_of_isaac_tiepolo_detail.jpg

On this episode of The Tipsy Testament, we go a little more in-depth on the adventures of Abraham!  God seems to really be into promising people children in exchange for loyalty which seems super shady.  Abraham's wife, Sarah, gets into a feud with her servant, Hagar, over some baby drama and Abraham decides that pretending to be Sarah's brother is a great form of subterfuge.  Have you ever heard of a 37-year-old man being tricked by his own father into being murdered? Well, we've got that covered too.  We also have a pretty enlightening discussion about how we each navigate our lives based on our upbringings and how growing up religious can shape your outlook on life. Also, drunk Veronica calls Alex a penis face. 

 

00:0000:00

Ep 06 - Was Sodom and Gomorrah really about anal sex??

April 2, 2017

sodom.jpg

In this thrilling episode, we discuss the well-known demise of Sodom and Gomorrah!  God plays the ultimate prank and destroys two cities!  Why!?  Well, that's up for discussion but what's not up for discussion is that God will definitely turn you into a form of seasoning at the drop of a hat.  There's also a lot of angels in this story but, apparently, in disguise as humans - so they were probably in trenchcoats.  Also, these angels were most likely SUPER sexy cause everybody in those cities wanted a piece.  Veronica tries a few ill-advised, biblical pick-up lines and we discuss the experience of accidentally seeing some 600-year-old dad dick.  At the end, we take some time to discuss each of our relationships with the concept of prayer and talking to God.      

00:0000:00

Bonus Ep 01 - Darren Aronofsky’s Noah (2014) discussion

March 28, 2017

Join us in this bonus episode as we talk about the inexplicable 2014 Darren Aronofsky anomaly, Noah.  If you’re into incredulous emotional and intellectual rollercoasters, this is the episode for you.  Why are angels turned into giant, cumbersome rock monsters in this movie!?  Beats the hell out of us!  We’re too busy trying to figure out where Anthony Hopkins got Gandalf powers and a flaming sword.  Also: Did you ever want to hear about Noah, obviously your favorite Bible hero, looking SUPER diesel and kicking some ass?  Did you ever want to hear about a Biblical family falling apart cause one of the sons saw some dad dick?  You ever want to hear about a cast of stars building a giant crate alongside some CGI monstrosities!?  Listen to us as we stumble our way through a discussion about this film. 

00:0000:00

Ep 05 - Were dinosaurs on the guest list for DJ Noah’s exclusive Club Ark??

March 26, 2017

Join us as we talk about the Bible’s most famous luxury cruise, Noah’s Ark, featuring DJ Noah on the turntables and you know God was making it rain on this party!  ALL ABOARD!  We handle tough questions like: Why did Noah name his son after a lunch meat?  Only two of every kind of animal was allowed, but what if some tried to sneak in?  And let’s not forget the first occurrence of the rainbow!  We’ll also get a little personal when our former-Christian hosts talk about how they reconciled their young, budding scientific minds with the decidedly non-science based bible stories. 

00:0000:00

Ep 04 - What was the first murder of the bible??

March 22, 2017

It's a thrilling murder mystery that we discuss this episode! Well, it's not really a mystery since we are covering Cain and Abel but Alex wants us to believe it is. We discuss whether God hates salads and you can hear Jonte become increasingly more belligerent as the episode goes on.

00:0000:00

Ep 03 - Did God really create everything in 7 days??

March 22, 2017

The creation story and the Fall of Man are this episode's main events! Listen as we discuss Alex's theory about dragons, Adam and Eve, and Veronica gets really upset with the guys over how poorly Eve is treated.

00:0000:00

Ep 02 - What is an erotic poem doing in the bible??

March 22, 2017

Veronica discovers King Solomon's obsession with gazelles in this episode! We cover Song of Soloman and discuss the impact that growing up religious has on one's sexual development.

00:0000:00

Ep 01 - Why are bears killing kids in the bible???

March 21, 2017

In our inaugural episode, we discuss (2 Kings 2:23–24) and wonder why God chose bears as his assassins. This episode features two guest hosts and discussion of all of our religious backgrounds and current beliefs. 

00:0000:00