Join the Tipsy Testament crew as we take a journey back in time and watch Wes Craven's Dracula 2000! This is a period piece if we've ever seen one cause this movie's got ethnically diverse Matrix knock-offs, some janky wire-work, everyone's favorite 90's artist Vitamin C, and nu-metal galore! And don't worry, if you're feeling nostalgic for Virgin Megastores then this is the film for you. Listen to Jonté lament ever having to sit and watch this travesty and Veronica reveal her secret love for square faced white men! And you'll never guess the tenuous biblical thread this movie has that prompted us to cover it. We're all fundamentally different now.
What do you get when you take a small boy with a leather strap and have him fight a souped-up gladiator who's tall enough to play as a center in the NBA? Well, you get this story (and probably a healthy dose of childhood trauma)! Join us as we attempt to educate Veronica about David - a small, bloodthirsty boy who thought he was hot shit and his famous dust-up with contact juggling extraordinaire Goliath. Once again, Veronica can't get enough of talking about harems of women but that's no surprise to anyone. This episode ends much like an after-school special because we talk about our won Goliath's in life. AWWWWW! THE MORE YOU KNOW!
Join the Tipsy crew as we continue our New Testament exploration with a few highlights from the adventures of Jesus! Listen in awe as Jesus performs some high-end parlor tricks such as: getting a wedding party hella lit on wine, grifting a giant crowd of strangers by feeding them what most likely was mystery food, and killing a herd of pigs with demon possession! We all got super trashed for this one so we barely remember it! Maybe you can listen and remind us of what went down?
In this episode, we cover that classic children's bible story, Jonah and the Whale! We learn that Jonah might just be an angsty teen who is just trying to get to his Taking Back Sunday concert but God has other plans. We talk about how burlap sacks are the only way to gain favor with God so we plan out our sexy burlap sack designs. Also, Jonte and Alex discover that Veronica is a maritime disaster who REALLY loves Linkin Park. Side note: we apologize for the some of the weird sound levels. Veronica laughs obnoxiously loud in this episode. Damn Veronica.
Jonah and the whale was suggested by The Dan and Kody podcast
As a follow-up to episode 08, we decided to attempt to tackle Martin Scorsese's snooze-fest from 1988, The Last Temptation of Christ. Willem Dafoe stars as a whiny, introspective carpenter, Jesus, who specializes in building modular crosses. We're pretty sure he was the founding father of biblical Ikea.
In this bonus, we are faced with the realization that this particular film is un-goofable. We watched 30 minutes of this contemplative, slowly-paced classic and then fell promptly to sleep with visions of sweet, sweet Willem Dafoe’s grim visage dancing about in our dreams. It wasn’t all a loss, though! There was a pretty dope kazoo-based song at one point in the movie. Also: we learned that this particular version of Jesus is totally okay with waiting all day in a line to see a prostitute only to condescendingly proselytize to her! We also discover the joys of Green Goblin porn!
Episode 08 has arrived! Listen up as we introduce Veronica to our boy, Jesus! We discuss the three temptations of Christ and decide whether or not Satans temptations were ACTUALLY good temptations. Veronica attempts to land a record deal during this episode and Alex enlightens us of his love of chicken pot pie and Rhianna. Jonte discusses his first sexual encounter as we dig deeper into what tempted us as adolescents and young adults! Warning: if you love Quentin Tarantino, Veronica expresses her intense hate towards his bulbous ugly head.
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For this bonus episode, we decided to watch Stephen King's semi-religiousy, 100% nonsensical Children of the Corn from 1984. In this film, kids decide parents just don't understand, Corn joins the MMA and give a guy the beat-down of his life, and Sarah Connor gives us the worst lap dance of the century. Also, Corn cop steals the show with his tour-de-force performance as Corn cop!
On this episode of The Tipsy Testament, we go a little more in-depth on the adventures of Abraham! God seems to really be into promising people children in exchange for loyalty which seems super shady. Abraham's wife, Sarah, gets into a feud with her servant, Hagar, over some baby drama and Abraham decides that pretending to be Sarah's brother is a great form of subterfuge. Have you ever heard of a 37-year-old man being tricked by his own father into being murdered? Well, we've got that covered too. We also have a pretty enlightening discussion about how we each navigate our lives based on our upbringings and how growing up religious can shape your outlook on life. Also, drunk Veronica calls Alex a penis face.
In this thrilling episode, we discuss the well-known demise of Sodom and Gomorrah! God plays the ultimate prank and destroys two cities! Why!? Well, that's up for discussion but what's not up for discussion is that God will definitely turn you into a form of seasoning at the drop of a hat. There's also a lot of angels in this story but, apparently, in disguise as humans - so they were probably in trenchcoats. Also, these angels were most likely SUPER sexy cause everybody in those cities wanted a piece. Veronica tries a few ill-advised, biblical pick-up lines and we discuss the experience of accidentally seeing some 600-year-old dad dick. At the end, we take some time to discuss each of our relationships with the concept of prayer and talking to God.
Join us in this bonus episode as we talk about the inexplicable 2014 Darren Aronofsky anomaly, Noah. If you’re into incredulous emotional and intellectual rollercoasters, this is the episode for you. Why are angels turned into giant, cumbersome rock monsters in this movie!? Beats the hell out of us! We’re too busy trying to figure out where Anthony Hopkins got Gandalf powers and a flaming sword. Also: Did you ever want to hear about Noah, obviously your favorite Bible hero, looking SUPER diesel and kicking some ass? Did you ever want to hear about a Biblical family falling apart cause one of the sons saw some dad dick? You ever want to hear about a cast of stars building a giant crate alongside some CGI monstrosities!? Listen to us as we stumble our way through a discussion about this film.